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Dear Kr’Abby: Ponderous Questions

Dear Kr’Abby,

A Betazoid in a bar told me that the Intrepid-class fly through space by flapping their nacelles. It doesn’t sound right, but he was very insistent and I’m embarrassed to ask anyone else. Is it true that, at warp, the nacelles of the Intrepid-class flap like wings? Is that how they move?

~Confused About Flight

Dear Confused,

While I do not have the space in this column to go through the finer points of subspace displacement fields and how to ride them for fun and profit, I can assure you that most everything you are told in a bar should be something you question.  An Intrepid class ship uses the same warp technology that every other Starfleet ship with warp nacelles uses.  It also has variable geometry pylons to increase its operating efficiency at various speeds.  In this way the nacelles can move and could be said to flap.  However that flapping does not produce movement, it merely enhances movement.

Next time tell your Betazoid companion, with as straight of a face as you can manage, that they are wrong; only Klingon B’Rel class birds of prey travel through subspace by flapping.

Dear Kr’Abby,

When I put the roll of toilet paper back, I have it go OVER. When my husband does it, he has it go UNDER. How do I get him to set it up the right way?

– Over The Top

Dear Over the Top,

This sort of argument has broken many marriages apart for centuries.  Clearly toileting aficionados are on your side as over takes historical precedence for being the one true and correct way to roll, though under has always been utilitarian for those who prefer to not dwell upon the act.  My advice is simple:

Get a sonic bidet.  Or three shells.

Problem solved.  Harmony remains in the marriage.

Dear Kr’Abby is written by Doctor B’Rusk, the Federation’s foremost half-Klingon psychologist who specializes in tough-love advice. We take submissions from across the galaxy!

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