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[2008: MAR-APR] Feedback
Started by
FltAdml. Wolf
, Apr 28 2008 08:24 PM
4 replies to this topic
#2
Guest_The Lovely Lily_*
Guest_The Lovely Lily_*
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- Guests
Posted 02 May 2008 - 09:36 PM
March/April critiques from Lt. Commander Ventu
Amber Stones
by Toni Turner
First off, you've captured a great symbol in amber stones and the
golden path. Good timing throughout, and a good sense of tension
built. The end seems like you either ran out of room or steam, and I
didn't really buy it. For such an introspective story, the thing that
seems to define Jason's life, the universe switch, is never addressed.
I understand the reason from the tension-building perspective, but
from the character you've created, I don't believe that he'd never
mention nor even think about his desired (and eventual) return. I
understand the subtle plays you did with his thoughts on the Universe,
and they were quite clever, but I still feel that this story needed to
be told from a more limited perspective for it to work. With that
said, I found the idea very clever (as stated) and the writing
wonderful, and I'd really like to see it re-drafted in third
omniscient to see what would emerge.
Manabai'wok
by Delinda Sharee
An interesting idea, and one the Baudelaire epigraph sets an
interesting tone for. One of my main critiques, though, is that I
really have nothing vested in the story. I don't know much about
Jillian and Lillian other than that they're sisters who've been
imprisoned for spying. Is the charge real? If not, was the sentence
warranted? I need to know more about their history before I'm on their
side, and that doesn't necessarily equate to long paragraphs of
backstory. In fact, the epigraph could almost do it for you ... except
that it implies that Jillian and Lillian are "death and debauchery" in
some form or another, which doesn't get me on their side at all.
The idea of the manabai'wok is intriguing, and I like that I never
really find out what happened to the sisters. The downside to that
device is that it's been used so many times, notably and recently in
the movie "Pan's Labyrinth," and its invocation here doesn't really
add much.
My final critique is of the story's overall structure. Right now, it
seems to be divided into two distinct parts - the day of laboring and
exposition, and the night of dialogue and manabai'wok. While both
could fit into the story, they seem too separate in this draft. Try
bleeding each part into the other, and see what happens. And please,
please, please do something with Private Batell - the Embittered,
Violent Overseer is one of the most played-out character archetypes
there is.
Final note - great job incorporating some real world mythology as well
- I enjoyed reading up on the manabai'wok, and I definitely wouldn't
have known about them if not for your story.
Captain Golden Path, Beyond the Infinite and Edgeless
by xoet twelve
Trippy. This piece reads like a stream of consciousness dialogue,
which is an intriguing approach to take. The problem is that's there's
simply too much dialogue: I have no way into the story to begin with,
because I have no idea where the characters are, or even who they are,
and even though I have some prior experience with the writer and his
characters, the story nearly devolves into complete esotericism
anyway. The ideas and dialogue presented in this piece are unique and
intriguing, for the most part, but they aren't enough to carry the
piece when the reader has no idea what's going on. For a re-draft, I'd
really like to see this piece grounded and the characters and their
wants explained. Why do they care about this golden path? Why does Ice
need to get back to the Eagle? Why does he need to make a difference
this time? The piece provides more questions than answers, and while
that may be its intent, it left me feeling unfinished and more than a
little curious.
Each to Their Own
by Jhen Thelev
A very impressive piece! I love to see literary fiction done within a
sci-fi setting, and this is a great example of how to do it - the main
characters are a Ferengi, a Caitian, and a veggied Vulcan-Betazoid,
but they could just as easily be at home in litfic human personas.
There aren't any big space battles or phaser shootouts, and, in a
brilliant move, the ship they're chasing doesn't even appear in the
story. I have no questions about the characters' wants, and I really
enjoyed the choice to explore Mex's and Re'jor's characters through
Joro, who seems to be more of the story's conduit than its true
primary character. The pacing and timing throughout the piece are
extremely tight, there's a nice mix of dialogue and action, and the
writing style is wonderful. What else could you ask for? Oh, I know -
though I like the decision not to show the "Golden Path," I sincerely
hope that this story will be continued, if only in the Character Cafe,
because I want to know what happens next!
Golden Rays .. Golden Path
by Cura Assanti-Stone
The main difficulty I see with writing challenges involving the
writer's primary character is lack of common ground for the reader. As
with xoet's story, I have had some prior experience with this writer's
character, so I could fill in some of the details - Cura is secretly
the queen of Argelius II, she now serves under F.Captain Rocar, she's
married to John Stone - but without that knowledge, I would have been
left floundering. I feel like several of the paragraphs of exposition
at the story's outset could be removed, especially the one that
name-checks most of the Starbase 118 senior staff. Yes, it gives
backstory, but they simply become names to a reader who doesn't know
them. It's enough to know that Cura's conflicted, and the strongest
part of this story is in the interaction between Zelda and Cura.
Really focus in on that, and Cura's problems will come out through her
dialogue and actions, without the need for excessive backstory. An
interesting entry and a good effort, and one that I would encourage
adapting into what I think would be a good sim.
Heirloom
by Jackford Kolk
Great use of the braid in this story! In a couple of places, the past
and present scenes blend without a bump, really helping the piece down
the page. The writing's sharp, the pacing's great, the characters are
interesting.... All and all, the story's quite polished. However,
there was one major, glaring plot hole for me: Why did McGovern care?
I would buy this story more if he had gone back a few days after the
rescue to search for the heirloom - basically, if the same structure
was used, but there were only a few days (or a couple weeks, or
perhaps a month at most) between the past and present. However, if
he's going back a lifetime after the rescue occurred, he needs a
bloody good reason to be doing it, and that's the one thing the story
didn't give me. What happened in McGovern's life to make this so
important to him? What made the mission stand out for him? Bottom
line, I need to see McGovern in a broader context in order to believe
that he'd spend his life waiting to get this strange heirloom back for
a person he only knew ten minutes, and I really need to understand his
want in all this. But! With all that said, this is a a stylistically
tight story that I'd love to see redrafted to fulfill the potential it
has.
Amber Stones
by Toni Turner
First off, you've captured a great symbol in amber stones and the
golden path. Good timing throughout, and a good sense of tension
built. The end seems like you either ran out of room or steam, and I
didn't really buy it. For such an introspective story, the thing that
seems to define Jason's life, the universe switch, is never addressed.
I understand the reason from the tension-building perspective, but
from the character you've created, I don't believe that he'd never
mention nor even think about his desired (and eventual) return. I
understand the subtle plays you did with his thoughts on the Universe,
and they were quite clever, but I still feel that this story needed to
be told from a more limited perspective for it to work. With that
said, I found the idea very clever (as stated) and the writing
wonderful, and I'd really like to see it re-drafted in third
omniscient to see what would emerge.
Manabai'wok
by Delinda Sharee
An interesting idea, and one the Baudelaire epigraph sets an
interesting tone for. One of my main critiques, though, is that I
really have nothing vested in the story. I don't know much about
Jillian and Lillian other than that they're sisters who've been
imprisoned for spying. Is the charge real? If not, was the sentence
warranted? I need to know more about their history before I'm on their
side, and that doesn't necessarily equate to long paragraphs of
backstory. In fact, the epigraph could almost do it for you ... except
that it implies that Jillian and Lillian are "death and debauchery" in
some form or another, which doesn't get me on their side at all.
The idea of the manabai'wok is intriguing, and I like that I never
really find out what happened to the sisters. The downside to that
device is that it's been used so many times, notably and recently in
the movie "Pan's Labyrinth," and its invocation here doesn't really
add much.
My final critique is of the story's overall structure. Right now, it
seems to be divided into two distinct parts - the day of laboring and
exposition, and the night of dialogue and manabai'wok. While both
could fit into the story, they seem too separate in this draft. Try
bleeding each part into the other, and see what happens. And please,
please, please do something with Private Batell - the Embittered,
Violent Overseer is one of the most played-out character archetypes
there is.
Final note - great job incorporating some real world mythology as well
- I enjoyed reading up on the manabai'wok, and I definitely wouldn't
have known about them if not for your story.
Captain Golden Path, Beyond the Infinite and Edgeless
by xoet twelve
Trippy. This piece reads like a stream of consciousness dialogue,
which is an intriguing approach to take. The problem is that's there's
simply too much dialogue: I have no way into the story to begin with,
because I have no idea where the characters are, or even who they are,
and even though I have some prior experience with the writer and his
characters, the story nearly devolves into complete esotericism
anyway. The ideas and dialogue presented in this piece are unique and
intriguing, for the most part, but they aren't enough to carry the
piece when the reader has no idea what's going on. For a re-draft, I'd
really like to see this piece grounded and the characters and their
wants explained. Why do they care about this golden path? Why does Ice
need to get back to the Eagle? Why does he need to make a difference
this time? The piece provides more questions than answers, and while
that may be its intent, it left me feeling unfinished and more than a
little curious.
Each to Their Own
by Jhen Thelev
A very impressive piece! I love to see literary fiction done within a
sci-fi setting, and this is a great example of how to do it - the main
characters are a Ferengi, a Caitian, and a veggied Vulcan-Betazoid,
but they could just as easily be at home in litfic human personas.
There aren't any big space battles or phaser shootouts, and, in a
brilliant move, the ship they're chasing doesn't even appear in the
story. I have no questions about the characters' wants, and I really
enjoyed the choice to explore Mex's and Re'jor's characters through
Joro, who seems to be more of the story's conduit than its true
primary character. The pacing and timing throughout the piece are
extremely tight, there's a nice mix of dialogue and action, and the
writing style is wonderful. What else could you ask for? Oh, I know -
though I like the decision not to show the "Golden Path," I sincerely
hope that this story will be continued, if only in the Character Cafe,
because I want to know what happens next!
Golden Rays .. Golden Path
by Cura Assanti-Stone
The main difficulty I see with writing challenges involving the
writer's primary character is lack of common ground for the reader. As
with xoet's story, I have had some prior experience with this writer's
character, so I could fill in some of the details - Cura is secretly
the queen of Argelius II, she now serves under F.Captain Rocar, she's
married to John Stone - but without that knowledge, I would have been
left floundering. I feel like several of the paragraphs of exposition
at the story's outset could be removed, especially the one that
name-checks most of the Starbase 118 senior staff. Yes, it gives
backstory, but they simply become names to a reader who doesn't know
them. It's enough to know that Cura's conflicted, and the strongest
part of this story is in the interaction between Zelda and Cura.
Really focus in on that, and Cura's problems will come out through her
dialogue and actions, without the need for excessive backstory. An
interesting entry and a good effort, and one that I would encourage
adapting into what I think would be a good sim.
Heirloom
by Jackford Kolk
Great use of the braid in this story! In a couple of places, the past
and present scenes blend without a bump, really helping the piece down
the page. The writing's sharp, the pacing's great, the characters are
interesting.... All and all, the story's quite polished. However,
there was one major, glaring plot hole for me: Why did McGovern care?
I would buy this story more if he had gone back a few days after the
rescue to search for the heirloom - basically, if the same structure
was used, but there were only a few days (or a couple weeks, or
perhaps a month at most) between the past and present. However, if
he's going back a lifetime after the rescue occurred, he needs a
bloody good reason to be doing it, and that's the one thing the story
didn't give me. What happened in McGovern's life to make this so
important to him? What made the mission stand out for him? Bottom
line, I need to see McGovern in a broader context in order to believe
that he'd spend his life waiting to get this strange heirloom back for
a person he only knew ten minutes, and I really need to understand his
want in all this. But! With all that said, this is a a stylistically
tight story that I'd love to see redrafted to fulfill the potential it
has.
#3
Yladro
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- Members
-
- 311 posts
I'm not small, I'm space efficient.
Posted 04 May 2008 - 05:14 AM
Random Reviews (not in any order)
Jhen Thelev: Each to Their Own
Awesome story with exceptional character interactions, dialogue and a reasonably-fulfilling ending. With the three characters on a quest for revenge, stolen latinum and an "artifact", Thelev explores the idea of what drives people to do what they do, and to tolerate whatever they must to achieve their goals. Ferengis are always a fun group to read about, especially when we discover the driving force behind each of them, and especially when we can break-through the supposedly unbreakable shell around their emotions and feelings.
Jackford Kolk: Heirloom
I loved this story, but with a selfish caveat: Mr. Kolk's offering here features polished story elements and a fine interlacing of the the flashback scenes. Character discovery is well planned and the descriptions and dialog are superb. The only issue is my personal desire for an expounded resolution, an ending that I can justify feeling good or bad about: I can understand the author's desire to end with mystery of the "unknown" nature of the 'heirloom', but its ending left me empty. We went throught this amazing journey of time, memories and emotions, but when we get to the summit, and as the young officer fulfills the older man's promise to the dying woman, I'm left with an abrupt ending where I really wanted some sort of explanation of what is in the box that makes it a heirloom, and to understand why such a promise became a quest to a total stranger.
Jhen Thelev: Each to Their Own
Awesome story with exceptional character interactions, dialogue and a reasonably-fulfilling ending. With the three characters on a quest for revenge, stolen latinum and an "artifact", Thelev explores the idea of what drives people to do what they do, and to tolerate whatever they must to achieve their goals. Ferengis are always a fun group to read about, especially when we discover the driving force behind each of them, and especially when we can break-through the supposedly unbreakable shell around their emotions and feelings.
Jackford Kolk: Heirloom
I loved this story, but with a selfish caveat: Mr. Kolk's offering here features polished story elements and a fine interlacing of the the flashback scenes. Character discovery is well planned and the descriptions and dialog are superb. The only issue is my personal desire for an expounded resolution, an ending that I can justify feeling good or bad about: I can understand the author's desire to end with mystery of the "unknown" nature of the 'heirloom', but its ending left me empty. We went throught this amazing journey of time, memories and emotions, but when we get to the summit, and as the young officer fulfills the older man's promise to the dying woman, I'm left with an abrupt ending where I really wanted some sort of explanation of what is in the box that makes it a heirloom, and to understand why such a promise became a quest to a total stranger.
#4
Fleet Captain TPen
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- Members
- 91 posts
A Doctor, A Captain, A Vulcan and A Klingon walk into a Bar...
Posted 12 May 2008 - 07:28 PM
Reviews by Captain T'Pen - CO U.S.S. CHALLENGER
Golden Rays... Golden Path - CMDR Assanti-Stone
Most of the time, I like to see new and creative use of the written word that isn't directly associated with our current characters. And though I've entered a couple of stories myself, I always fall back on using my main character of T'Pen as a source of inspiration. In this case, I don't think the story would have quite the same appeal of Commander Assanti-Stone had used a newly developed character's point of view. The interplay between story telling style and script style breaks up the flow of the peace but in a positive way, rather than negative. Overall the story was well developed, I just wish there wasn't a restriction on the amount of writing a person can submit. I hope that you will this story in an upcoming post for your ship/crew. It's well worth holding on to.
Manabai’wok - Lt. Delinda Sharee
The overall concept of the piece was very creative. The downfall comes from punctuation, grammar and flow. I spent more time going back and re-reading a sentence because of the hick-ups and stumbles than anything else. I encourage Lt. Sharee to read and re-read your stories. Make sure that words like their and there are addressed before the final submission time. Please don't quite writing. You have an eye for the creative and I don't want this to keep you for submitting more. I can't wait to read your next entry.
In Service to the Fleet,
DOC
Golden Rays... Golden Path - CMDR Assanti-Stone
Most of the time, I like to see new and creative use of the written word that isn't directly associated with our current characters. And though I've entered a couple of stories myself, I always fall back on using my main character of T'Pen as a source of inspiration. In this case, I don't think the story would have quite the same appeal of Commander Assanti-Stone had used a newly developed character's point of view. The interplay between story telling style and script style breaks up the flow of the peace but in a positive way, rather than negative. Overall the story was well developed, I just wish there wasn't a restriction on the amount of writing a person can submit. I hope that you will this story in an upcoming post for your ship/crew. It's well worth holding on to.
Manabai’wok - Lt. Delinda Sharee
The overall concept of the piece was very creative. The downfall comes from punctuation, grammar and flow. I spent more time going back and re-reading a sentence because of the hick-ups and stumbles than anything else. I encourage Lt. Sharee to read and re-read your stories. Make sure that words like their and there are addressed before the final submission time. Please don't quite writing. You have an eye for the creative and I don't want this to keep you for submitting more. I can't wait to read your next entry.
In Service to the Fleet,
DOC
#5
Julia Harden
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- Members
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- 723 posts
I live on a Star Ship...
Posted 12 May 2008 - 09:47 PM
Manabai’wok - Lt. Delinda Sharee
The overall concept of the piece was very creative. The downfall comes from punctuation, grammar and flow. I spent more time going back and re-reading a sentence because of the hick-ups and stumbles than anything else. I encourage Lt. Sharee to read and re-read your stories. Make sure that words like their and there are addressed before the final submission time. Please don't quite writing. You have an eye for the creative and I don't want this to keep you for submitting more. I can't wait to read your next entry.
In Service to the Fleet,
DOC
Above as you have read, "Please don't quite witing", should be corrected as, "Please don't quit writing".
Sharee is one of the very best authors I've ever had the privilege to read.
~ Julia
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